My Grandma said, “Kippy (She called me Kippy. Her name was Francesca Addotta) she said Kippy, once you have a man’s penis in your hand (Why she was telling me this I’ll never know) But, everyone stopped eating and someone wheeled her out of the room. I was the strangest Thanksgiving Dinner I’ve ever sat through!
The last time I tried to have sex my eyes watered, they burned, my chest got tight and it was difficult to breath! So I went to the doctor and had some tests. The results came back. It was the Pepper Spray!
There are so many Cats and Kittens on Facebook my computer is beginning to smell like a Litter Box!
On my walk this morning I took a different route and found myself in fronk of a barber shop I havn’t been to in years. I poked my head in and asked, “Bob Peters here?” Without looking up a barber said. “No, just shaves and haircuts!”
If you’re going to rob Peter to pay Paul you should be especially nice to Peter!
I dreamt that I was being prepared for open heart surgery and out of the corner of my eye I see George Plimpton scrubbing up!
I’ve always wondered about people who would spend their valuable time and money to sit in a room and watch a stand up comic. Then I realized. These people can’t dance!
“I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.” – Will Rogers!
My parents didn’t like me. My father attached a mouse trap to my bicycle seat. My mother would poop in my diaper and blame it on me. When I took a bath they didn’t give me a rubber duck to play with. They would give me a toaster. But, I’ll never forget the day my dad taught me to swim. I thought I’d never get out of that sack!
I asked Sheila (I think her name is Sheila, I called her Sheila and she didn’t say anything), I said, Sheila do you think I should get a hair piece, a toupee, some sort of thing to cover my bald spot? She said, “When I see a man wearing a toupee I see a man who is not willing to show me his true self. I see a discrepancy in his personality!” I said, well then I should probably take this sock out of my trousers. She said, “No, but you could move it around to the front!”