Archives For May 2013

erleuchtung

Dear Kip: Questions Submitted By The Little People

What new advances can we expect in the field of piercing?

Piercing technology will soon enable us to eliminate shirt sleeves altogether. We will then be able to attach cufflinks directly to the bottom side of our wrists. There goes casual Friday.

Why do people not butter the underside of their toast?

This is an easy one. The underside of one’s toast is, and has always been intended for spinning said toast on one’s index finger. Naturally, buttered toast is slippery and thereby would make funerals impossible to conduct.

Are dominoes on the way out, and if so, is there anything that can be done about it?

Don’t ever write to me again!

I always seem to find myself with an overloaded shopping cart. What should I do?

As a boat owner, the solution immediately comes to mind. What you need is a trailer hitch for your shopping cart. This way, you can double your load capacity, and it will make gypsy life a whole lot easier.

My wife and I are considering purchasing some farmland in the Gobi desert. What crop would be good for a first-time farmer such as myself?

In this case, I would recommend growing dried fruit. Further explanation should not be necessary.

Is there anything that can be done about our nationwide blood shortage?

We are overlooking the obvious, and as usual, it is right under our noses and along our arms. Blood banks should immediately begin to harvest mosquitoes.

sunset111

Jungle Fever Diaries

05/28/13

Namibia

The evening sounds of the jungle echo through the valley, and into the encampment and tents under which a meal has been prepared by Chef Girard of the famed Corndogue Bleu School of Culinary Arts. The menu consists of wine or cold, frosty beer; followed by a course of local escargot gathered at dawn as the snails made their way across the dew-moistened sawgrass. Each one weighs no less than nine ounces, and all are prepared in a rhino butter and locally-grown garlic sauce. The main course, in keeping with Mr. Addotta’s animal activism, consists of a no-slaughter meat dish using non-critical animal limbs.

Addotta is joined at the table by his very good friend Greg Carpenter, a preeminent plantographer, who has already discovered 14 never-before-seen roots, and several small bugs he found in his socks. He christens them Smegma Beetles. Addotta regales him, recounting the story of a Siamese woman who was capable of bending over backwards and licking her own Achille’s tendons. Mr. Carpenter chokes with laughter after taking a drag from his Meerschaum pipe filled with the exotic plants he discovered earlier this very day.

Mr. Addotta assures him, “It’s true, it really happened. I was in Bangkok, doing a press tour for my latest book, ‘Stuck On You, The Life and Times of Jack and Rudy’ about the Siamese twins, Jack and Rudy, who were born face-to-face and joined at the shoulders and hips.  It’s the story of their life-long quest to answer the question, ‘Who Farted?'”  (It was Rudy.)

Mr. Addotta chuckles to himself as he puffs on a cigar rolled on the sweaty, inner thighs of a Nicaraguan harlot, “Mmmm, smooth.”

A Namibian spider monkey scurries out of the darkness and into the firelight, where he (assuming it’s a he, it happened so fast) gathers table scraps and darts back into the thick foliage. As he does, he gives the two gentlemen the finger. They laugh in glee, “Jolly good show, right-toe! You are standing on my right toe!”

“Enough of this balderdash. Hand me down my trusty elephant gun, Thromble (Mr. Addotta’s Head Guide, who, even in a dense jungle seems to be able to find head at will).” The weapon was presented to Mr. Addotta by Pascha Hassen-Ben Working and his Queen-in-exile, Shirley, for meritorious misconduct in the face of disgruntled bartenders.

Addotta aims the firearm into the darkness, and with a resounding, “boom” sends a round toward the insolent spider monkey who had just given them the finger. “Take that, you lop-eared Newt!”

After some brandy, a smoke, and a few good stories, Mr. Addotta and Mr. Carpenter retire, and are each presented with a watch.

kipmag2

Kip Interviewed By German Magazine

Kip was recently interviewed by the popular German publication, “Aufrecht Gehen Zeitschrift” (Walking Upright Magazine).

A few translated highlights:

One subject that is near and dear to Kip’s heart is his lifelong campaign to bring respect to mittens. “I think we’ve made some headway,” he notes. “So watch out, gloves.”

Kip also talks about his renowned collection of Salvadore Dali placemats. Over the years, Kip would purchase a placemat here or there, whenever he could afford to. Eventually, his entire family was able to sit down to dinner together. They would often discuss color, texture, and sometimes, even style, while passing the garlic bread.

In the same interview, Kip laments his profession’s lack of scheduled bathroom breaks, and addresses his early fear of aphids. He also speaks candidly about the bison he was finally able to forgive.

You can read the full interview in the Oktober issue, available at your local zeitungsstand.

kipmonkey1

Kip Triumphs With Zoo Broadcast

UPDATE: This past Saturday’s Outlaw Radio program featured Kip broadcasting from inside the Rhesus monkey cage at the Los Angeles Zoo. Kip’s goal was to bring public awareness to the plight of people who broadcast from inside monkey cages. Although it turned out to be one of the most brief radio shows Kip has ever done, he considers the entire minute a resounding success. Kip would like to thank all the bystanders for their encouragement and Neosporin. Kip will again be back on Outlaw Radio this coming Saturday, thanks largely to the Van Nuys man who successfully used a coathanger to retrieve Kip’s hat and microphone.

 

Women And Sex

05/13/2013 — Leave a comment

To a man, sex is a privilege.  To a woman sex is an entitlement!

Wow, I have returned from the trenches and I am delighted to let you know that I believe my autobiography is finished!

I am proud of this work and hope you will enjoy the read. I will keep you posted as to the progress and when and where you may get your copy!

Kip Addotta

We found ourselves on the Blue Gulf Turnpike when we saw flashing red lights in the rear view mirror.  The cop had pulled over two long haired “hippy-types” for speeding.  The officer asked, “Do you boys know how fast you were going?”  We said no.  The officer said that we were doing ninety miles an hour in a fifty-five mph zone. He informed us that we would get a four hundred dollar ticket. And, since we were from out-of-state, he would have to impound our car, and we might be doing thirty days in jail.

Since I was driving, I knew I had to say something to avoid this fate.  My mind was spinning.  I gathered all the courage I could muster and said, “Officer, couldn’t you simply beat the hell out of us and cut our hair off?”  Well, the officer started laughing and laughing and said, “What are you guys, a couple of comedians?”  I said, “Yes, officer,” and we showed him our pictures and resumes.  Finally, he said, “Well, I guess I can let you two go, but take it easy!”  I don’t know where my response came from, but somehow, I had said the right thing at the right time!