Archives For January 2014

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Let me preface this by telling you the story of my mother. When I was eighteen months old, one morning, I was suckling my mother’s left breast. She pulled her left breast out of my mouth, put me down and left and I never saw her again.

So, it is only natural for me to be fascinated by woman’s breasts and the milk that they can produce. So, my question is this, ladies. Say you’re in love with a man and he is in love with you. He has one fetish. He wants you to lactate your breasts, so, that he can enjoy the wonderful nectar they hold. This can be achieved by one simple visit to your doctor. The question is this. Would you lactate your breasts for the man you love?

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I have had my health issues. At sixty-nine I have the eberjy and the prostrate of a nineteen year old, if you know what I mean. Women life longer than men, partly, because they see the doctor more often.

I have wonderful doctors. I see one of them two months, one every three months and one every six months. I have been with them for a long time and we have become friends. As far as money is concerned, they hardly ever charge me and when they do, it’s not nearly enough. This is because I make then laugh. Being of good humor has great benefits.

I am not saying that I tell them jokes. I do not. One must be careful about telling jokes. Telling a joke interrupts conversation. It’s like when you’re at a party and someone tells you a joke. Now you have to wait until the joke is over and, most of the time, fain laughter.  It’s like when you’re at a party having a interesting conversation with someone and, all of a sudden, a magician walks up and says, “Pick a card.”

I want to grab them by the neck and choke the life from them. When I’m on stage I have a license to ell jokes. When I am not, I do not!

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Don’t get me wrong, I have committed many sins, however, they were not Mortal Sins.

In order for one to commit a Mortal Sin, one must do three things.

1. One must know it’s a sin.

2. One must contemplate committing the sin.

3. One must commit the sin.

Under these criteria, you have probably never committed a Mortal Sin either.  However there are people who do commit Mortal Sins and they will burn in hell if they do not ask the forgiveness of the person or persons they have committed these sins against.

 

 

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  Today, I’m having a wonderful day. At 6:30 AM I put a video up on YouTube, as is my habit, every day. Kip Addotta on Merl Haggard and Sammy Davis Jr Then I met my friend, Victor DeLucie, for coffee at Cecconi’s.  Then I went to the car wash and had Francisco clean my beast. I always tip up front to insure good service.

Then I went to my mechanic to have my left rear tire balanced. (You can tell when your tire or tires need balancing when they shimmy at fifty-five miles an hour) I know a little something about a lot of things and a lot about some things. I know a lot about cars.

My son, once, said that, “I slow down for anything shiny.” I made no comment, at the time, however I thought it was clever, and witty. I have always been a “Motor Head” after all I was traded for a Cadillac when I was only four. I will explain all of that in my upcoming book.

Then I went shopping and , as I always do, when anyone asks me , “How are you?” I begin to tell them and will follow them all over the store until I have finished. This great fun and I recommend that you try it. Life is about having fun.

And to round out my afternoon I made myself a salad and a big thick prime New York Steak. Then, a nice bath and I even cleaned all of my secret places.

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  If I had a nickel for very time I’ve had someone say “I’m a comedian too.” I would be a much richer man. When I started in the business of comedy, there were fifty comedians in the US. Do you know how many there are now? Fifty!

Going on stage at an “Open Mic” night does not a comedian make. The terrible truth is that almost every one of these ‘So Called” comedians have never even seen a real comedian work. They watch each other work and copy the mistakes of the other want-to-be comedians.They do not know how to walk on stage, deal with the mic, handle a crowd or even begin a show.

Yes, I am angry. It’s pitiful to watch these slime balls pretending to be comedians and going around telling people that they are comedians. Most  so called comedians are nothing but twenty nine and still living with their mom. They have given The Art of Comedy a bad name. People leave comedy shows, today, saying comedy is not funny. And they’re right. What they are doing is not comedy. It’s the ramblings of someone who hasn’t learned anything and will never be anything because they do not have the courage to talk about their own feelings. They spew things that they’ve heard other people say.

I wish that every one of these people (Men and Women) would come to my show, at The Ice House, in Pasadena, CA on March 23rd, at 7PM and see how this thing called stand up comedy is done. No I am not arrogant, I am humble, but having worked very hard at my art, I am without fear and know that every show I do will be a smash. Sucker!

 

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  I have had the pleasure to have been in the company of the most beautiful women in the world.  Long legged dancers, executives, movie stars (Angie Dickenson, Elizabeth Taylor, Debra Winger, Diana Ross, Shirley Maclaine) Also, beautiful women who are private people who I will not mention.  The one thing that all women have in common is that they take great umbrage to being turned down.  Men are supposed to obey the rule “No means no.”  Women look at the word “No” as an insult. They will punish a man for rejecting their advances.  “Hell as no wrath like a women scorned.

“Men see sex as a privilege, women see sex as an entitlement.”

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  Buddy Hackett was appearing at The Mill Run Theater, near Chicago.  I heard that was going to do a ‘Meet and greet’ in Rockford IL.  to kick off a new business called The Globe Glass Company.  This was obviously a favor to a friend.  I arrived early at the location and sure enough there was Buddy Hackett getting out of big black limousine.

He came inside and began to work the room shaking hands and making small talk with his fans.  I waited for some time gathering the courage to approach him.  When I did I said: “Hello, Mr. Hackett, my name is Kip and some day I want to be a comedian and I wonder if you can give me some advice.  He said: “listen kid I don’t have time right now, but, if you come to The Mill Run Theater, this Saturday, your name will be at the door and you can come back stage, after the show, and we will talk.

I couldn’t believe how approachable he was and on Saturday afternoon I drove the eighty mils to The Mill Run Theater.  Sure enough my name was at the door.  I took my seat and before too much time Buddy Hackett came on stage with no introduction.  He did an hour and a half and he was brilliant.  The audience was rolling in the isles and gave him several standing ovations.

After the show I went to the back stage area and told the guard my name.  The guard went back and returned to say that, in only a few minutes, I would be ushered into Mr. Hackett’s dressing room.  There was Buddy Hackett, on the couch wearing the most beautiful, white, terry cloth robe I had seen.  He sat with me for over an hour and answered every stupid question I asked with patients and grace.  I was in love!

He talked to me about his life and (Even though he was the highest paid entertainer, in the world, he didn’t how he had the nerve to go on stage, even, a few month earlier.  He meant that he was still learning and that he would never know it all.  He was humble and gave me information that I would have taken years to learn by myself.

I met Mr. Hackett a few more times, over the years, and he was always a wonderful gentleman to me and seemed to be a bit proud of my success.

 

“The only time people believe me is when I’m lying to them.”

On Believability

“If you live to Seventy-Two, you will have been alive for Twenty Five Thousand Days. Don’t wast them.”

How many days will you live?