Archives For April 2014

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Article by Tommy Joseph
Be careful who you let pick you up, when you’re hitch-hiking. 
 
Back in 1966 my buddy Ray and I are hitch-hiking from New Orleans back to our home state of Pennsylvania.  We get a ride from this middle-aged, toothless guy and his wife heading north through Mississippi, and they’re both drunk out of their minds.  That alone is bad enough, but Mississippi is at that time was a dry state where liquor cannot be purchased legally.  
The guy can’t even keep the car on the road, and it’s a four-lane highway. He’s onto the median strip, then back across 2 lanes to the shoulder, all over the place.  Somehow he managed to get in and out of the town of Laurel where he bought several more pints of booze to fuel his trip. 
 
My friend and I are in the back of the car and I’m reaching over the guy’s shoulder and steering the car for while he’s swigging whiskey.  He’s got the gas pedal, I’ve got the wheel.  It’s pretty cold outside and me and Ray don’t want o get out of that car.  Well, I’m guessing at some point the guy must have thrown a cigarette out his window because after a while I feel the seat getting really hot and I reach back beneath my butt, and sure enough, the whole seat is smoldering, and getting worse by the second.  I was a heavy smoker at the time, but I’m sure the cigarette came from the front seat.  I always flicked mine out and down at the same time.  A very conscientious litterer.
 
The windows were up because it’s cold outside, but it’s starting to get really smokey in that car, the whole back seat is smoldering, and I’m screaming, “Open the windows, roll you’re windows down, I can’t breathe.” Everyone rolls their windows down and in comes all this oxygen as the back seat bursts into flames and I’m screaming at the guy to pull the car over – “Goddammit, pull the car over”, reaching over the seat and steering the car to the shoulder, because I’m telling you – this guy could not handle the car at all.  He’s blasted out of his mind.
 
Now we’re on the side of the road and Ray and I are tearing his back seat out, the whole thing, and he’s  screaming, “What are you doing to my car?”  He’s so drunk he doesn’t know what’s going on.  So Ray and I pulled the seat out and lay it, still burning, right there on the shoulder of the road.  Then we piled back into the car, except now there’s no seat, just a metal shell, and we’re hunkered down in it, really low.  But we’re weaving all over the road and I’m in a squatting position designed to give me more height, reaching over the guy’s shoulder now and then to steer the car out of trouble, of which there was plenty.  I was 17 years old and could drive, but the guy had a stick shift and I couldn’t get it going.  He actually agreed to let me drive, but I couldn’t get past first gear.  Ray couldn’t drive at all.  I guess we all deserved each other.
 
Well, here comes a cop.  I was wondering when that would happen.  He pulls us over and orders everyone out.  Well, this guy and his wife can hardly move.  It takes them forever to get out of the car and they’re flopping all over the hood of the car and sliding off into the side of the road, just kind of melting into the pavement as the cop looks at me and says, “Have these two been drinking?”  But I don’t answer.  I figure it’s obvious they’ve been drinking, why make me say it?  I don’t want to rat them out; they were nice enough to give us a ride.
 
Then the cop asks me again, and again I kind of hem and haw, wave my hands around a bit as a way of saying “Yes, they’ve been drinking”, without actually saying it.  The cop is getting a bit peeved.  He asks again.  When I don’t asnwer he says, “What’s the matter, son – cat got your tongue?”………..and, well, let’s face it – it’s obvious these two have had a lot to drink and the cop knows it.  Anyone could tell.  Besides that, I don’t want to do any time in a Mississippi jail, or any jail for that matter.  So I finally say, “Yes, they’ve been drinking.”  I said it in a sheepish way, very low, just loud enough for the cop – coughing after the word “yes”, then quickly adding in a near silent voice, “they have been drinking.”
 
The cop says,, pointing his finger down the road, “Ok, you boys can hitch hike on out of here”, and we’re out of there in a hurry.  I look back and another cop car has arrived and they’re loading those two into one of the  squad cars as Ray and I walk on down the road waiting for another ride..  I don’t know how long it took those cops to load those two into the car:  I didn’t look back again.  I was looking toward Pennsylvania, and so was my buddy, and we got there eventually, but not without a few other incidents worth relating, but too time-consuming to mention here.  I’ve hitch-hiked all over this country and I have a bundle of stories. This has been one of them.

TJ

Credits ans Acknowledgement

Over the years , I have heard and seen many an entertainer use someone else’s song of tell someone else’s joke and say nothing at all about the person, they got it from.

Using someone else’s material or joke is “Really” not cool, however, if you must, the very least you could do in give credit. And I don’y, only, mean on some important stage or TV and radio show. I mean everywhere!

I have been at bars and listened to people (Mostly men) tell a joke that was written by someone else and say nothing at all about the jokes origin! And then they’ll stand there with an impish look on their face, as if to say, “Aren’t I clever?” Np, you are not clever, sir. You are an idiot!

I have also seen many a singer (Both men and women) finish a song and never mention who wrote it, arranged it, orcastratated it, arranged it or even who the original artist that originily recorded and released it. This immediately lets me know that this person is a hack or, even worst, someone who has given up any hope of making a name for themselves!

Mr. Frank Sinatra once advised me to always accredit people who you are covering. (This would not apply to me in comedy because I write all of my own material and always have) However, I got the point! He further explained that people who don’t accredit loose because the audience loses respect for them. When yo accredit you are not only doing the right thing but you also get tremendous respect from your audience. They think, to themselves, “He didn’t have to do that but he did so he is a classy guy!

I know, I heard so called comedians doing the material that i sweated over for days or even weeks to perfect and they never mention my name. Even if you don’t know who wrote the material, you are plagiarizing, you could, at least, say, “Someone once said.” You get tremendous personal points, when you do this, so it’s a win, win that few people take advantage of!

And I am

Kip Addptta

Please comment on this post @ my web site http://www.kipaddotta.com/

Sex Porn And Other Silly Things

I believe that, today, most people get their Sex Education from porn! That’s the problem! Pornography gives one a skewed view of sex, at best.

For the ladies, Porn gives the impression that men are much more well endowed than us guys could ever live up to. The average penis is three times longer that your thumb. (I’ll give you guys a few moments to stare at your thumb) Pretty good ,huh? However, in porn men are chosen that have much larger equipment and this gives the ladies false expectations.

For men, Porn shows us women who are much more aggressive than they really are. Women like sex but they really don’t care to have it in public, tied to a rack, with more than one person, suspended, by chains, in a dungeon, with a rubber ball in their mouth, with their step dad, with animals, awhile being whipped or during Church Services!

Sex is a wonderful occupation and is best don with love and tenderness or, at the very least, in private. I can’t think of anything more uncomfortable than having sex while several law enforcement officers are looking on. And I would never copulate at or around a bus station! If I were with a woman and she suddenly strapped on some sort of contraption to her waist you could very well see me running away, screaming into the night! And i could never feature having sex with a creature who’s penis is larger than mine. No! I don’t think so!

I love making love to someone I love. The best part of Sex is turning on the one you love or at least like orat the very least can tolerate the smell of!

No, having sex is best when both parties have genuine affection for one another. That’s what I’m talking about!

Kip Addotta

Please comment on this at my site – Thank You

A Man Of Honor

04/06/2014 — 1 Comment

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I have never slept with another man’s wife. I have never slept with another man’s girlfriend, even years after they stopped seeing each other. I have never taken anything that wasn’t mine. In other words, I have always conducted myself as a gentleman.

My word is my bond and I have never broken it. If I say, I will be somewhere at 1PM I am there at a quarter to 1PM. Never once have I told anyone anything that I did not believe to be true. None of this is done for anyone but myself! I conduct myself the way I believe all people should conduct themselves. I often, find myself disappointed. So be it!

However, if someone crosses the line, I can be and am a vindictive foe. I will go after them thigh righteous indignation and without hesitation. I am a dangerous man to those who attack me for no reason or to satisfy some inner need to dominate me. There is no one that I am afraid of. No one who I would not demolish if I believe they have wronged me. It could take years, but, in the end I will take my ounce of flesh! And, having done so, I will never have any remorse about it.

Don’t get me wrong. I am a patient man and will stand by and observe people thinking that they are getting over on me. But I will eventually pull the trigger and when I do it will be “Devastation.”

I am now in such a situation. The person in question has the arrogance to believe that he has gotten away with something. He has not! I will, after much thought and preparation, take him down town. Way down town where we don’t clown, when no one is around, he will be on the ground, down town!

Kip Addotta

 

 

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Even with all the information and even though there are less expensive ways to get from one place to another they’re are still those who want to drive to and from a drinking session. Oh you might not call it that. You might call it going to lunch, or going to play tennicem or hanging out, or playing golf, or going sailing or what ever you feel comfortable calling what boils down to going somewhere to throw a “Shit Face.”

If I haven’t told you before, I’ll say iy again. The cost of a DUI, over a ten rear period (If you count all the incurred expenses) is right at Forty-Thousand Dollars. Let alone injury to yourself or worst to someone else.

I have strong feeling about this. Here is the reality! If you drink one drink an hour (Including beer which contains one ounce of alcohol per) your body should, but is not guaranteed to metabolize that much alcohol to the extent that you will remain within the margin of and minimum state of sobriety considered safe to drive under. But let me be blunt with you! Few people drink at that rate. And don’t even start with an attempt to bull shit me. I’ve been there and done that!

The majority of people drink fare more than one ounce of liquor per hour. These people are referred to, by me, as Ass Holes. People who have no concern for the lives of you and your families. They do n’t even have any concern for their own lives. these low life, piece of shit, dirty rotten bastards only care about one thing. Getting Drunk.

I am not kidding when I say that I believe that these low lives should be treated with the most harsh punishments! Public whipping, taken out and beaten with baseball bats, having the words I am an Ass Hole tattoos on their forehead in large bold type.

Fuck Them

Kip Addotta

 

Drinking Again!

04/04/2014 — 1 Comment

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With all the deaths, rapes, injuries and unwanted children in our society wee still continue to drink and even drive after we do it!

I am so bored with drunks! I hate them. I can”t stand to be around them.

But the real oddity about this is how firmly people cling to the imagined right to drink. I a perfect world people could enjoy a cocktail or two and leave it at that. But thus is far from being a perfect world.

With all the rhetoric about driving casualties, battered children and spouses, unwanted children that are a blight on our society and or economy we still continue to drink heavily and embarrass ourselves both privately and publicly! We seem to feel that drinking liquor is some sort on inalienable right that we should protect, at all costs.

I understand that if America stopped drinking it would be difficult on our economy. But look at all the harm and expense it incurs on our society. We, as agnation, must spend at least as much of fixing the problems that liquor causes as liquor manufacturers bring in on the sale of booze.

I do not drink. However, I do not attempt to stop other people from drinking the first two or three but after that I am not amused! It’s ugly! It seems that the more people drink, the more they want to drink. It the old saying. “One is too many and fifteen aren’t enough!”

I sa bring back probation! Sure it would bring back the crime of smuggling in illegible booze but at least it would curb some of this wholesale slaughter on our streets and in our homes. And the too, we would my helping the economy with income from law enforcement and have all the fun of arresting these bums and throwing them in jail!

Kip Addotta

 

Kramer

04/03/2014 — 3 Comments

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This is a partial excerpt from my book. I am working on it now!

In 1972 I met a tall, good looking man which a full mustache and a big head of wild Jewish hair. His name was Kenny Kramer (later immortalized by Michael Richards on “Seinfeld”). Kramer was everything that he was shown to be on the show. He was kind, helpful and generous to everyone around him, although it was difficult to tell because of the way he went about it.

We would go around to the open mike nights in Los Angeles and do our little sets and we became good friends.

 I met a man named Kenny Kramer.  (The same man that Michael Richards had characterized on Seinfeld.)  Michael Richards played Kramer to a tee.  He was the same man that I began to hang out with in Hollywood.  We went together all over town and went on stage to do our little sets.  I worked very hard on my material and would try it out at five different clubs every night.  With my wife’s permission Kramer and I even drove from Los Angeles to Miami to find work.

  On the way we found ourselves on the Kentucky Blue Grass Turnpike when we saw flashing red lights in the rear view mirror.  A police officer had pulled over two long haired hippy types for speeding.  The officer asked, “Do you boys know how fast you were going?”  We said no.  The officer said that we were doing ninety miles an hour in a fifty-five miles an hour zone.  He informed us that we would get a four hundred dollar ticket and since we were from out of state he would have to impound our car and we may be doing thirty days in jail.  Since I was driving I knew I had to say something to avoid this fate.  My mind was spinning.  I gathered all the courage I could muster and said, “Officer couldn’t you simply beat the hell out of us and cut our hair off?”  Well, the officer started laughing and laughing and said, “What are you guys, a couple of comedians?”  I said yes officer and we showed him our pictures and resumes.  Finally he said: “Well I guess I can let you two go, but take it easy!”  I don’t know where that came from but somehow I had said the right thing at the right time!

When we arrived in Miami, at Kramer’s advisement, we met with a lady named Candy Casino who booked cruise ships.  She said she would send us to a retirement home and I could do a free show for the residents.  When I was introduced I heard a sound that I had never heard before.  I couldn’t figure out what it was!  I would soon find out.  The room was full of elderly men and women seated at long narrow tables and at each of their place settings the home had provided every one of them with a small wooden mallet, so instead of applauding or laughing they would beat on their tables with their mallets.  They must have liked me because I got a lot of mallet beating after every joke!  However, Candy Casino didn’t think I was suitable for cruise ships.  So we did not find any work but I did get my first experience working to a Jewish audience.  We drove back to Los Angeles and soon after that Kramer moved back to New York and got an apartment in the building where Larry David (Co-Creator of Seinfeld) lived across the hall.  The rest was history!

After a few months I received a letter from an agent, Fred Lawrence.  Fred Lawrence had moved to Los Angeles from New York.  The letter said that he had met Kenny Kramer in New York and loved his material.  He wrote that he told Kenny that he needed an act for the next night in Lake Thane.  Kenny went on to say that if he liked Kramer’s style he was likely to like Kip Addotta’s.  I called Fred Lawrence and he asked if there was anywhere he could see me perform.  I told him that he could see me at The Ice House in Pasadena.  Fred Lawrence and his wife came to my show and liked me.  The next day I was booked at The Sahara Tahoe, in Lake Tahoe, Nevada! I was opening for the Fifth Dimension and making a thousand dollars for three days with the caveat that if I didn’t do well I would be paid, but flown back to Los Angeles the next day.  I was backstage, waiting to go on, and to say the least I was having a tremendous adrenalin rush.  Then I heard another sound that I had never heard.  It was the timpani drum heralding that the show was about to begin.  It scared the hell out of me!  The show went well.  My first job in comedy was at one of the best venues in the world!

I Love Kenny Kramer

You’ve Been Had!

04/02/2014 — 5 Comments

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My blog, unlike my You Tube Videos, is where I vent. Where I get things off my chest, where I let my hair down.I have much the same issues, in my life, that you do. It always amazes me that people think that they are the only ones with a particular problem or challenge. Well, they are wrong. And I don’t think that some of you won’t like hearing this. After all having a problem or issue that no one else has enables you to piss and moan about things that no one can help you with because, “There is no one quite like you.” Bullshit!

The media harps on the mantra that, “We are all different” and “There is no one quite like you.” More bullshit! You were born and you will die, you will have joy and sadness, you will have triumphs and failures, you will have sickness and health, you will be goof and you will be bad, your will be honest and you will be deceitful, you will be interesting and you will be boring.

Your skin is no different than anyone else’s skin. You hair is no different, than anyone else’s hair. (Other than the color and length) By the way, there is only one color of skin and hair color, RED! Peoples hair seems to be different, in color, because of different degrees of RED pigment. There is no such thing as BLACK pigment. Asians do not have BLACK hair. They have extremely dark RED hair. You dolt!

The media pumps us full of all this Bullshit to sell us products that we do not need. Hair conditioners is a prime example of this. If you look at the ingredients on different hair conditioners you will find out that they are all made with the same formula and the only difference is the fragrance! You knuckle head!

There is only one skin conditioner that will do your skin any good at all. Mink Oil! You can get it at most supermarkets and it is not expensive! All this other crap they are selling us is just that. Crap! Just crap. (Oh I know, you thought that Mink Oil is for your shoes and your saddles. Well, if you check Wikipedia out, you will find out that everything I have just told you is TRUE) but then I’m not  trying to sell you something that will do you no good at all!

Some of you will not want to accept this information because, in excepting it, you will also be admitting that you have been duped! And you have! You are ignorant, uninformed and clueless. The media wants you that way. They want you to be stupid and you have allowed them to do this! You have allowed the Mad Men to sell you a bill of goods!

Front wheel drive cars are junk! The reason you have been sold on front wheel drive is because they are cheaper to manufacture and more expensive to repair, you knit whit! When was the last time you saw a collection of vintage front wheel drive cars? You haven’t because they’re all junk. You are driving a piece of junk! By the way, front wheel drive cars are not better on snow and ice than rear wheel drive cars. That’s simply bullshit that you have been gullible enough to fall for, you pea brain!

Here is a list of rear wheel drive cars: Rolls-Royce, Mercedes Benz, Jaguar, Lexus, Mustang, Ferrari, Lamborghini, Aston Martin, Acura, Bentley, BMW, Jeep, Lotus, Maserati, McLaren, Porsche, Subaru, Land Rover, Tesla, Volvo. Mazda, Lincoln, Infinity! A selection of both expensive and affordable rear wheel drive cars, you numb skull!

Of course, I mean this in the best possible way!

Kip Addotta

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If you think that Liquor makes you smarter, whither, better looking and taller, then you should read this. Our culture promotes the idea that we not only drink liquor but that it makes us more fin to be around. This is absolutely not true!. Try it once. Go out to a social event and, without telling anyone, obtain from liquor consumption for the entire time you are there.

Sure, have a glass in your hand that looks like liquor but isn’t. Mingle with your friends as you alway do and watch the ones that a r consuming. It won’t take you long to notice that they become less attractive with each drink they have, to the point they become repulsive to you. Watch how their speech begins to slur and their posture begins to slump. And before long you will realizes that you wouldn’t touch them with a ten foot p[ole.

People who drink, drink because they are afraid. Afraid of being around other people. Or worse, if they are alone, afraid of the lives they are living. Afraid of realizing that they haven’t accomplished anything with their lives. Afraid that they are in a relationship that is becoming intolerable. So they drink to sedate themselves into a state of near unconsciousness to hide from the reality of their life.

I knew a piano player and one day I asked him, Why he got high on pot before every performance? He told me that big helped him play better. I asked him if he had ever played without being high and the answer was no. This man was simply afraid. afraid that he wasn’t as good a musician as he was sup[posed to be, And because of his drinking he was not and would never be.

If you’re sporting around with the boys don’t drink. Simply pretend to drink. You will find out that you will be the one who gets all the attention from the ladies!

Kip Addotta – Please Share