Archives For June 2014

Why do men have nipples? Just In Case!

Nipples

Comedy Clubs

06/27/2014 — 6 Comments


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When Stand-Up Comedy hit, it was like a huge Rogue Wave, rising out of the middle of a Dead Calm Sea. All of a sudden this Wave was there, coming from what seemed to be nowhere! It hit the entire country at the same time, just like this rogue wave came out of nowhere and hit a Large Cruise Ship, knocking it over onto its massive side.

In the early 1970’s, Comedy Clubs “Arrived.” Stand-Up Comedy was everywhere and everyone wanted to see it.

Even though Stand-Up Comedy had been around for hundreds of years, everybody noticed it for the first time! Movie Stars were showing up at Comedy Clubs to see this thing called “Stand-Up Comedy”. Diana Ross, Neil Simon, Roy Rogers even June Allison came to these clubs. People had been watching Johnny Carson do it for decades on “The Tonight Show”. Even though that is true, for some reason they had rediscovered this thing called Stand-Up Comedy.

Only by coincidence, I arrived in Los Angeles just before this wave hit nation wide. I was already working in places that were very big and very important. I was making big money. One day, I was in the Presidential Suite of the Hyatt Regency Hotel in Detroit. I got a call from a guy who said he owned something called a Comedy Club. I said: “What’s that?” He said: “It’s a place where we specialize in Stand-Up Comedy.” I told this man that I would come and see his club. I went to the club and it was exactly as he described. It sat three hundred and twenty people. I asked him how much he paid his headliner, and then I asked him how much he charged people to get into his club. He said he was charging ten dollars a head. He told me he paid the headliners one thousand dollars a week, and that was for someone no one had ever heard of before! I thought to myself, I’m Kip Addotta. I’m on “Make me Laugh” and we’re on network television two times a day, five days a week. I’m a star!

I did the calculation in my head because I knew he was going to ask me how much I wanted to be paid to perform at his Club, and he did ask me. I told him I wanted the one thousand dollars and I also wanted him to raise his ticket prices to sixteen dollars a head. I wanted that six dollars, and I want to do fifteen shows a week. In other words, I would be making about thirty one thousand dollars for the week. He agreed!

Everything was going fine. In every major city, secondary city, even tertiary cities, there were at least one or even two Comedy Clubs. I was going into towns like Atlanta, Philadelphia, Detroit, and Jacksonville; all over the place, and getting thirty one thousand dollars plus, every week. All of a sudden the owners were driving El Dorados, their wives were driving new cars, they were putting their kids in private schools, and it was mostly a cash businesses, if you know what I mean. Everybody was happy. The club owners, their wives, their children, the bartenders and waitresses, were all happy.

Then came 1986! The club owners got greedy and club owners called a meeting, in Chicago. Every club owner in the country attended this meeting meeting-AKA: “The Death of Stand-Up Meeting!” At this meeting these Jerks asked each other: “Why are we paying these comedians (Namely me) so much money?”

This was their solution! These Bubble Heads decided to give “Tickets” away free, via telemarketing. Then these A-holes raised the price of their drinks, to make up the money they were losing on the “Tickets”. They then pocketed the money that would have been paid to the Comics. This was the end of Stand-Up Comedy as we knew it. It was all over!

Since then, Comedians have become the indentured servants of the Entertainment world and “Open Mic Nights” began. Even worse, the club owners started a policy of requiring Comedians to bring at least fifteen people (Audience members, so that the club owners could sell them drinks) with them, in order to get on stage. What’s even more noteworthy is that The Comedians went for it!

But, not me. I would not play ball with this ridiculously, dishonest plan! So I looked for other ways to support my family through Comedy! That’s when I began to write songs. Songs that put Comedy to music so that I could get air play on radio stations. I have written twelve songs and have had four Top Ten hits. Thank God!

I am Kip Addotta

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I know very little about this, so, I will speak at length!

People Who Talk

Jerry Lee Lewis

06/26/2014 — 4 Comments

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The Memphis Hilton seemed to be a magical place. Many interesting things happened to me there.

One night I was standing in the lobby, after my show, and a cute little lady wearing a pink Channel suit and a pill box hat walked over to me. She said, “Enjoyed your show!” With her lovely southern accent she went on, “My name “So and so” and I’m married to a doctor in Boonville, KY. That’s Daniel Boone’s home town.” And I would love to suck your Yankee Dick!” I, with the most gentlemanly manner I could muster, told her that I was flattered, but had a previous engagement and was unable to grant her request. Then I made a hasty retreat. I guess this was an example of “Southern Hospitality.”

The next night, again, I was standing in the lobby of The Memphis Hilton after my show. There was a tap on my shoulder and I turned around to see Jerry Lee Lewis standing there. My heart jumped into my throat and I was unable to speak. Jerry Lee Lewis said, “I’m Jerry Lee lewis and I enjoyed your show.” I said, We-We-Well thank you Mr. Lewis.” He said, “Common into the bar, let’s have a drink.” I said, “Well thank you, yes.” I followed him into the bar and sat down at a two top and we ordered drinks. He was quiet and so was I. We just sat there sipping our drinks. I think he was drunk.

After about fifteen minutes he said, ‘Let’s take a ride!” I followed him out to the front of the hotel and we got into his Lincoln and took off. I did not know where we were going, but I remember thinking, “Well, I’m sure this is not the first time he’s been drunk and driving and he was Jerry Lee Lewis, so I figured I would be all right. Jerry pulled out an open bottle of Champagne and was swigging from it as he drove. There was a 1911 Browning semi automatic gun, on the dashboard. I didn’t say a word! We drove and drove until finally we ended up at Graceland, the home of Elvis Presley.

Jerry Lee pulled up to the gate and ran into it with a thump. Jerry Lee must have thought that his window was down because, with his right hand, he threw the bottle out the window but the window was not down and the window smashed, bouncing the champagne bottle back and down into his lap. He didn’t seem to notice this. With his left hand he grabbed the hand gun and stuck it out of his broken window and fired three shots into the air, and shouted, I’m the King you son of a bitch.” I was beginning to think there was going to be trouble!

A few minutes later two sheriffs’ cars pulled up behind us. There were two officers. The larger of the two came over to Jerry Lee’s window and said, “Now, Jerry Lee, you have to stop doing this. These people need to get their sleep!” Then he instructed the other officer to take me home and said that he would see to Jerry Lee. I never heard another word about it. There was no trouble. Just another night for Jerry Lee Lewis!

If you love someone, miss no opportunity to express it!

Love

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William Henry Keeler (March 3, 1872 – January 1, 1923), (Many decades before I was born) he was nicknamed “Wee Willie”, a right fielder in Major League Baseball who played from 1892 to 1910, primarily for the Baltimore Orioles and Brooklyn Superbas in the National League, and the New York Highlanders in the American League. Keeler, one of the best hitters of his time, was elected into the National Baseball Hall of Fame.

When asked what his philosophy was when hitting a baseball he said, “Hit em where they ain’t!”  In other words he would hit the ball to an area where there were no outfielders that could easily catch it!

This was always my attitude about Comedy!  Audiences believe that they know, in advance, what the show will be like simply because there is a Comedian appearing.  Not in my world!  I would nt and have not ever done anything that the audience expects me to do.  If they think I will arrive on stage, I will arrive from the back of the room.  If they think I will attempt to be funny, I will begin the show on a sad note.  If the audience believes that Comedians pick on the audience members they would be wrong!  Sadly, Don Rickles, (The Ass) has given this impression and has done more damage to the art of Comedy than anyone who has ever lived!  And have left it to Comedians like me to clean up his mess.

I do not want the audience to presume anything about my performance, except that it will be funny and I do have an obligation to make it so!

I believe that the general public and, I’m sorry to say, most Comedians believe that there is some sort of set choreography that all Comedians are bound to follow.  Of course, this is not true!  Each and every fine Comedian presents his show in a special and different way.

The great Dick Shawn is a perfect example of this.  Mr. Shawn always found a way to do thing like no other.  After seeing him perform one night before I had begun my Comedy quest, I sked him for some advise.  I said, “Nr. Shawn, how do you begin a show?”  He leaned in to my left ear and whispered, ‘Fuck the first five minutes!”  As I look back, this is some of the best advice I have ever gotten.  I have never been overly anxious to get that first laugh.  I let the audiences expectation to build and watch then lean forward in their seats until they are about tobburst with anticipation and the and only then do I give then release from their tension.  This, of course, makes that first laugh much bigger than it would have been if I had hurried to get it out!

This technique is one of the tricks of the trade and I will expose the rest of them later on, but now I want you to know about my background and what the experiences were that led me to my Comedy career!

I am Kip Addotta

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Ask someone a question and watch their eyes. If their eyes go up and to the left, they’re trying to think up a lie. If their eyes go up and to the right, they’re trying to remember the truth!

How To Tell If They’re Lying

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VZEwAMa911s

Liza Minnelli

06/23/2014 — Leave a comment

UnknownWhen I toured with Liasa Minnelli she was hotter than a two dollar pistol.  We began our tour at The Sunrise Theater, in Sunrise Florida, not far from Miami.  Liza was, arguably, the top draw in the country, at the time.

The entire week was sold out and there wasn’t one seat available at this four-thousand seat theater.  I was at the top of my form and, I felt,I  was the best choice to work with this mega Star like Liza!

The first thing I noticed about her was that she was the most nervous performer I had ever seen.  Every night, at the Finnish of my show she would be waiting for me, in the wings.  Even though I did not know her at all, she would take my hand and squeeze my hand during the entire Overture.  Lisa Minnelli was shaking like a leaf!  Then, when she heard her que to walkout on stage she would run out on stage to thunderous applaous and do a show that was comparable to none.  She was a wonderful showman!  This hand holding thing happen every before every show that we did.

While she was holding my hand she would look up into my eyes as if to draw some sort of energy confidence from me.  I never said a word! Again, back stage she was a frightened little mouse, but on stage she was a dynamo!

I began to suspicion that she was on something!  As the tour went on I realized what it was.  Her lead trumpet player was supplying her and everyone in the crew with very fine “Peruvian Flake Cocaine.  I even copped from him a couple of times.  As I have stated before Cocaine was everywhere and in florida you could get the best!

One night Liza and I were in the back of the limo heading for our hotel.  The driver made some sort of mistake at a railroad crossing and the Police pulled us over.  Liza immediately pulled a large vile of cocaine out of hr little bag and threw it under the back of the front seat.  I didn’t say a word!

The officer approached the driver and explained the infraction.  The driver immediately apolijised and let the office know that Liza Minelli was in the back seat and the officer backed down imediatly!   When you’re a star you get away with these things and the officer had a great stoy to tell when he got home.

During this same tour, Burt Reynolds would stop by regularly to visit the lead trumpet player and a good time was had by all.

One night there was a lock at my dressing room door.  When i opened the door there was a pretty young girl standing there.  She announced that she was from The National Inquirer and wanter to interview me.  So, I let her in and asked her to take a seat.

She spent an hour with me asking me questions about Liza Minnelli.  I didn’t have to be a brain surgeon to figure out, earl, i the interview, that this young lady had no interest in me at all, but was only there to get the low down on Liza.  That was not going to happen!  Not from me!

The bottom line is that I had a wonderful time working with Liza even with all the skullduggery going on!

I and Kip addotta

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It’s a sin to eat pussy!

Sin