Archives For July 2014

Charlie Hefton

07/31/2014 — 2 Comments


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As you may know, I met Charlie Hefton in the service. But that was only the beginning of the story!

After Charlie mustered out of the service he went to work following through on some of the ideas he had come up with. He saw a need and he began work on fulfilling it. He, like many men, was proficient in pocket pool and recognized a need to have an excuse, for men to have, as to why they had their hands in their front pockets, playing with their Cue and Balls.

Mr. Hefton applied for a patent and began to formulate and refine his product. Cotton, wool and rayon seemed to be the best ingredients, all being natural fibers, (Yes Rayon is made from wood.No pun intended!) The research went on for months with the help of The Lithuanian Research Lab, in the city of Vilnius, by Dr. Andrius Zavetskas. If that is his real name!

Dr. Zavetskas came up with the correct amounts if each type of fiber and presented them to Charlie Hefton. Charlie was predictably suspicious of this information because of Dr. Andrius Zavetskas’s reputation as a complete charlatan, master Pick Pocket and known member of Homo Sapiens for Change (HSFC) located in Phoenix AZ and the invoice Charlie received in the amount of Four Thousand Catasties! (79.31 US)

Charlie Hefton, being a “One Trick Pony” did what he always does. He ripped up the bill and hired a cheap Plastic Surgeon, Stephen J Pincus of Topeka KS to change Charlie’s looks!

In a letter to me Charlie stated that he also wasn’t going to repay me for the Hot Dogs I sprang for in Nom! Typical!

In the end Charlie did go into production of the product now known as “Pocket Fuzz.” He has made a fortune and Dr. Andrius Zavetskas and I are looking for him. He was last seen boarding a train bound for Credulous, MA! If you see the man pictured above, please contact me at

I’m coming for you Charlie!

Kip Addotta

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Nothing but sheet metal

One of the most odd things to the ear is the truth! As a matter of fact the truth is the most difficult thing for people to believe. Misconceptions are so rampant that people are hesitant to believe anything but the lies that have been told to them. Over and over again!

Here are some common beliefs that people hold to be true:

1 People judge a cares value by the milage!

Even the most inexpensive car will live to role some three million miles. If people want to judge a vehicle they should look at the service records.

2 Electric cars produce less smog.

Energy must come from somewhere! If you charge a car’s batteries, that energy is produced by burning fossil fuel. Diesel, coal or natural gas. If we were to cover the US in Wind Farms and Solar Panels, they would not produce enough energy to run the US. Atomic generators would be a good choice, but the US has outlawed them. France has been using them all along with no problems. Imagine! France is able to produce safe dependable nuclear energy and the US cannot! Could it be that our people are asleep at the controls and cannot be trusted to run a Nuclear Plant? At Three Mile Island, the operators were warned well in advance of the melt down, but they decided that the gauges, warning them, were wrong! BTW the number one producer of pollutants are not our vehicles, it is our homes by a large margin.

3 Front wheel drive is better.

Front Wheel Drive vehicles are cheaper to build and more expensive to repair. When GM went Front Wheel Drive they lost all of their Police business because The Police know that Rear Wheel Drive is safer and more dependable. (When you suffer a rear end collision, the most common accident, You will be happy to have a Rear Wheel Drive around you) Ford continued to produce Rear Wheel Drive and did not need a Government bail out. GM did! The main problem with Frnt Wheel Drive is that between the dash board and the rear bumper, there is nothing but sheet metal. Rear Wheel drive cars have a frame, a drive train and a rear axle! Front Wheel Drive vehicles have none of these. Mercedes, Rolls Royce, Aston Martin, Mustang, Ford, (Mostly) Ferrari, Lamborghini, Bentley, Jaguar and all other fine cars are Rear Wheel Drive! But, Front Wheel Drive is better in the snow! Not if you learn hoe to drive a car!

I am Kip Addotta and I am Sorry

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Thanks for putting my comments on your site. I was under the covers for a long time and only came out of it a few days ago to find a bunch of chores piled up, including 3 weeks of laundry, which I usually do once a week. One good thing about lying in bed for 5 days, you don’t change shirts – so the laundry lasts longer. Ran out of the good healthy foods I normally eat, had to eat garbage from the convenience store across the street. I don’t know if it’s the sudden introduction of non-familiar foods, but sometimes if I eat crappy food for a few days I actually feel better, almost as if my body needs it.

Anyway, I think I’m out of the fog now, feeling a bit better, not bad actually, but a bit worn down from the heavy work load of chores I laid on myself. It’s taking me a long time to learn how to put moderation to use. An extremely long time. At night I’ll make a

list of things I need to do the next day. If the list is too long I may not even get out of bed, I feel so weighed down with the chore of it. I am learning how to be moderate. But I don’t want to carry it to an extreme and do it all at once. It takes an extreme amount of time to learn how to be moderate. Thanks for putting those two things from me up in your site. I will be calling you tomorrow. That is my plan. But if I plan too much I might wind up not following through.

Thanks again,


I an Kip Adotta and Tommy Joseph is my friend

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My Way

I am truly unique. Only a few insiders know this – but I knew Paul Anka when he was just a kid, just starting out in the business – long before he wrote perhaps the greatest song ever written – “My Way.”

What people also do not know is that Paul wrote it for me. I inspired it. One night he saw me perform and was impressed. As I came off the stage he said, “Tommy, do you know what I like most about you? You do it YOUR way.”

I said, “Paul – that sounds like a really good song title – ‘He did it his way’…..”, and Paul said, “Yes, but I think “I did it my way” sounds better – don’t you?”

“Yes”, I said, “that definitely sounds better.”

Later that very night Paul sat down and wrote the greatest song of all time – “My Way”. He did it his way, of course, but he wrote it about me. Few people know these inside stories, but if you manage to get Paul alone and ask him if what I say is true. he will admit it without hesitation, so great even to this day is his admiration for my boundless talent.


Tommy is Kip Addotta Friend

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I’d rather be alone forever than live with company I can’t get rid of. But I am not a loner. I do not dislike people. I enjoy company now and then.

Last night a guy and gal from down the street stopped over. He smokes weed and she drinks. She’s in her 40s. She drinks a lot and still manages to get up the next day and function. I can’t do that. He doesn’t drink. He is her designated driver.

What I am about to describe is something I have seen from these two before – but some times are worse than others. They have a habit of talking at the same time – stories I’ve heard before. Every so often they’ll interrupt each other with, “No, no, let me tell this one”, or, “Ok, ok, I think you should tell this one”, but the story is never completely handed over to one or the other – it’s always to some extent both of them yammering away. It’s like my head is on a swivel. And I don’t have the guts to ask one of them to please shut up.

I appreciated their visit, but by the time they finally left my nerves were screaming. I can’t blame them though. I know it’s going to happen, especially once they get really bombed out, but I do nothing to prevent it. I toss out a few occasional meek hints. But I never come right out and say, “Can we take this one at a time, please?”, or, pointing at one of the two and stating emphatically, “Ok, I am listening to – YOU.” Instead, I just sit there and take it. It’s like being in a tag team wrestling match without a partner.


Kip Addotta’s Friend Tommy Joseph

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UnknownPeople who use foul language are either ignorant, stupid, rude or lazy!

Here is a guid line! If you are speaking to a group of you buddies, you can get away with some blue language. However, even then, your buddies will have a low opinion of you, if the truth be known.

I have been in the company of real men and women who are tough and dangerous, but, they never use foul language! One such man is someone who neither you or I would want to deal with in a confrontation and the closest he ever comes to cussing is calling you a “Goof” When you are in a situation like speaking in a public forum, know this! You are speaking to people who do not know you. You are a stranger and you had better watch your manners!

Example! If you were with you family, would you use foul language? Hopefully not. Would you walk up to a table of strangers and use foul language in addressing them? If you would or do you had better be ready to get your butt kicked and you will get your butt kicked. I know Master Martial Artists who never use foul language because they don’t have to and know that if they did they would get their butt kicked or their nose broken because they have behaved badly!

And they know the rule! “Never get into a fight with someone who has a righteous beef!” You will lose that fight no matter how much training you have had in martial arts!

If you are standing in front of an audience you are standing in front of strangers and if you are using four letter words, even the laughs you may be getting, is shock laughter. It’s a sign that you have no material! You are a “Bum.”

So spare me all of your “Everybody does it” crap! You want to by part of a low life group? Good luck with that. You’ll need it!

I am Kip Addotta

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Oh, I’m up to something alright! I’ve got something on every burner.

I playing it close to my vest. Nice and quite like! What’s the first rule of Fight Club? “Do not talk about fight club!”

“Lose lips sink ships!” I’m not trying to be a Drama Prince. I have information that can not br made public. So why aam I telling you this? I’m telling everyone. It relieves the pressure of wanting to tell you, by not telling you.

It’s not about the money, IT”S ABOUT THE MONEY! Oh i know you want me to tell you, but, no way! Get out of my face. Take it up the street! I will not tell you. HeHeHeHe!

Twisting mustache now… Drumming my fingers and twiddling my toes! Oops, I farted! I am soooo excited, I can’t poop! What is one to do?

I may take all of my cloths off and run around the house with grapes between my toes. You never know about me. But, one thing, for sure. I’m not talking, keeping my Pie Hole shut, mums the word and cheese it!

That’s all I can tell you now!

I am Kip Addotta and I’m not saying nothing

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Historical comment on the ability to fart at will is observed as early as Saint Augustine’s The City of God (5th century AD). Augustine mentions men who “have such command of their bowels, that they can Fart continuously at will, so as to produce the effect of singing.” Intentional Farting and its use as entertainment for others appears to have been somewhat well known in pre-modern Europe, according to mentions of it in medieval and later literature, including Rabelais.

Le Pétomane (“the Fartomaniac”) was a famous French performer in the 19th century who, as well as many professional Fart Masters before him, did Farting impressions and held shows. The performer Mr. Methane carries on le Pétomane’s tradition today. Also, a 2002 film Thunderpants revolves around a boy named Patrick Smash who has an ongoing Farting problem since he was a newborn baby. He eventually overcame his problems and fulfilled his dreams including being an astronaut.

Farts are caused by trapped air, which can come from many sources. Some of it is air that we have swallowed while chewing or drinking. Some air is caused by gas seeping into our intestines from our blood, and some gas is produced by chemical reactions in our intestines or bacteria living in our guts. A typical fart is composed of about 59 percent nitrogen, 21 percent hydrogen, 9 percent carbon dioxide, 7 percent methane and 4 percent oxygen. Only about one percent of a fart contains hydrogen sulfide gas and mercaptans, which contain sulfur, and the sulfur is what makes farts stink. Farts make a sound when they escape due to the vibrations of the rectum. The loudness may vary depending on how much pressure is behind the gas, as well as the tightness of the sphincter muscles.

The more sulfur-rich your diet is, the more terrible your farts will smell. Some foods contain more sulfur than others, which is why eating things like beans, cabbage, cheese, soda, and eggs can cause gas that will peel the paint off the walls!

The average person produces about half a liter of farts every single day, and even though many women won’t admit it, women do fart just as often as men. In fact, a study has proven that when men and women eat the exact same food, woman tend to have even more concentrated gas than men. If a person were to fart continuously for 6 years and 9 months, they would produce gas with the equivalent energy of an atomic bomb.

Though farts come out with varying velocities, we don’t typically smell them for about 10-15 seconds after letting them rip. This is because it takes that long for the odor to reach your nostrils.

Doctors disagree on whether or not holding in a fart is bad for your health. Some experts think that farts are a natural part of your digestive system, so holding them in won’t harm you. Others think that at best, holding them in can cause gas, bloating, and other uncomfortable symptoms, and at worst, repressing gas can cause hemorrhoids or a distended bowel.

While most cultures feel that farts should be suppressed in polite company, there are some cultures that not only don’t mind letting them fly in public, but they actually enjoy it. An Indian tribe in South America called the Yanomami fart as a greeting, and in China you can actually get a job as a professional fart-smeller! In ancient Rome, Emperor Claudius, fearing that holding farts in was bad for the health, passed a law stating that it was acceptable to break wind at banquets.

As stated above, the methane and hydrogen in bacteria-produced farts make your gas highly flammable. This is why some people think it’s a fun party trick to hold a lighter up to their bums and let one fly; doing so produces a big burst of flame, but is obviously very dangerous. In rare cases, a build-up of flammable gasses in the intestines have caused explosions during intestinal surgeries!

It’s hard to believe that the tiny termite is responsible for a great deal of our global warming problem on the planet. Termites fart more than any other animal, which produces methane gas. According to the Environmental Protection Agency, “Global emissions of methane due to termites are estimated to be between 2 and 22 Tg per year, making them the second largest natural source of methane emissions. Methane is produced in termites as part of their normal digestive process, and the amount generated varies among different species.”

Even if you clenched your butt and held them in all day, the gas will escape once you relax. What’s more relaxing than sleep?

Here’s proof that you can’t escape passing wind, even after you’re dead! Up to three hours after the body dies, gasses continue to escape from both ends of the digestive tract, resulting in burping or farting noises. This phenomenon is due to muscles contracting and expanding before rigor mortis sets in.

I am kip Addotta

An admitted Master Farter

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Where Is That Ego?

07/23/2014 — 1 Comment


I seldom know what to think about people! Or, I may know exactly what to think.

People may think they are crafty, but, really they are transparent. It’s the ego of it all. As a performer, I am not allowed nor do I want to have an overbearing ego. It seems to me that the ego is all behind the camera, out there in the darkness. Frustrated people who begrudge the very thing they are supposed to supply one with. Support!

I’ve seen it in agents, managers, lighting people, sound people, directors and producers. They seem to have animosity towards the performer. I say, “Then perform, if you like!” Get in front of the camera and bare your soul to the world. Let’s have a good look at you! I want you to feel the heat of exposure. I want you to show your humility for all of us to see.

Being in front is horrifying! Go ahead, step out there! Not so sure, now, are you? You would rather be in the shadows judging someone else and commenting on how egotistical “They” are.

It saddens me to see these things, in people.

I am Kip Addotta

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As Charlie Hefton was sitting around, pondering the problems of the world,

he realized that at his age he doesn’t really give a damn anymore.

.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.

.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while

.. A tortoise doesn’t run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don’t think so.

Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked,

the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the

eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I’m older here’s what I’ve discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?

7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

8. Some days, you’re the top dog; some days you’re the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

13. The world only beats a path to your door when you’re in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.

15. When I’m finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

16. It’s not hard to meet expenses . . . they’re everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m “here after”.

19. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

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I am Kip Addotta and I know Charlie Hefton

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