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Things that I think will entertain you

My Grandma said, “Kippy (She called me Kippy. Her name was Francesca Addotta) she said Kippy, once you have a man’s penis in your hand (Why she was telling me this I’ll never know) But, everyone stopped eating and someone wheeled her out of the room. It was the strangest Thanksgiving Dinner I’ve ever sat through!

My Grandma’s Advice

The last time I tried to have sex my eyes watered, they burned, my chest got tight and it was difficult to breath! So I went to the doctor and had some tests. The results came back. It was the Pepper Spray!

Kip Addotta on The Last Time I Tried To Have Sex

On my walk this morning I took a different route and found myself in fronk of a barber shop I havn’t been to in years. I poked my head in and asked, “Bob Peters here?” Without looking up a barber said. “No, just shaves and haircuts!”

I’ve always wondered about people who would spend their valuable time and money to sit in a room and watch a stand up comic. Then I realized. These people can’t dance!

Comedy Fans

The Brass Ring

01/24/2015 — 3 Comments

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In show business the most difficult thing is getting to the audience!

One may have a great idea for a song, music style, TV show or movie and have it all fleshed out and ready for prime time only to run into that old “Brick wall.” The “Brick wall” is comprised of people who’s task it is to keep your project from ever seeing the light of day. Especially if it might compete with a project, of lesser strength, that they are promoting. An example of this is the hit show ‘Mad Men” which took ten years to finally run the gauntlet of neigh sayers, at studios, to become one of the most popular shows ever.

Of course these things go on in all businesses!

One can submit a project to an agent, a production company or artist and these people do not concern themselves with the quality or creativity of your idea, but only if it fits into the mold of things that have already done or has been done! Hence all the sameness in the media we are exposed to. If it’s new the answer is no! This is obvious when watching, so-called, talent searches where every contestant sounds exactly like the one before.

Even worse is the trick of telling you that they love your project only to then put it on “The Shelf” where it will never be seen by anyone. “Shelving” a project, is an old, tried and true, method of stonewalling the competition.

The public seldom gets to see the best of ideas, but only the ones that are the property of the power brokers who have little concern with quality, but are only concerned with the money that they can make on an entity even if, in reality, it is a piece of junk. Don’t get me wrong, there are many ideas offered to agents and producers that are simply bad ideas and do not merit consideration and these are sent packing post-haste!

So, if you think you have an idea with merit put on your old clothes because you are embarking on a journey through traitorous and muddy waters. If you are able to wade through a hale of rejection and doggedly continue on your quest, maybe, just maybe, you might grab the brass ring!

I am Kip Addotta

Please comment on this at http://www.kipaddotta.com

Thank you

Let’s Dress Up!

01/17/2015 — 1 Comment

Unknown

I have decided to kick it up a notch, in the way I dress.

I’ve recently been looking at photos from the by gone era of the thirties and forties and the first thing I noticed is how good people looked. They were so stylish and pretty!

I’m going to take it back to 1943 when men wore suits, hats and ties. Although I was not born yet in 1943 I have always enjoyed and admired they way people dressed in that era! I have all I need hanging in my closet and sitting in my jewelry box.

So the next time you see me watch out because I will be pressed to the max and strutting my stuff! I’m also going to begin to go dancing again. The lady and I will be seen twirling and kicking to every big band we can fing around lA. What the hell, why not have some fun?

I used to love to sit and watch my dad get dressed up on Saturday nights and I want to recreate that era in my life. I recommend that you do the same Guys and Dolls. looking good, smelling good and feeling good, That’s the ticket! s

I am kip Addotta and I’ll see you on the dance floor!

Please comment on this at my web site http://www.kipaddotta.com/

Thank you

 

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Will Rogers , “Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.

Marine Corps Rules:

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.

2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.

3. Have a plan.

4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won’t work.

5. Be polite. Be professional. But have a plan to kill everyone you meet.

6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a ‘4.’

7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.

8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal preferred.)

9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.

10. Flank your adversary. When possible, protect yours.

11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.

12. In ten years, nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.

13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot..

Navy SEAL Rules:

1. Look very cool in sunglasses.

2. Kill every living thing in sight.

3. Adjust Speedo.

4. Check hair in mirror.

US Army Rangers’ Rules:

1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.

2. Locate individuals requiring killing.

3. Request permission via radio from ‘Higher’ to perform killing.

4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.

5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

US Army Rules:

1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.

2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.

3. Curse bitterly.

4. Curse bitterly.

5. Do not listen to 2nd LTs; it can get you killed.

6. Curse bitterly.

US Air Force Rules:

1. Have a cocktail.

2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.

3. See what’s on HBO.

4. Ask ‘What is a gunfight?’

5. Request more funding from Congress with a ‘killer’ Power Point presentation.

6. Wine and dine ”key’ Congressmen, invite DOD and defense industry executives.

7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.

8. Declare the assets ‘strategic’ and never deploy them operationally.

9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.

10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict, but close enough to have tax exemption.

11 Always have ICE CREAM

( And I Love This Next One)

US Navy Rules:

1. Go to Sea.

2. Drink Coffee.

3. Deploy Marines

Go Navy!

And the next… (You’ve got to love the military, and God bless them all.)

U.S. Navy Directive 16134 (Inappropriate T-Shirts)

The following directive was issued by the commanding officer of all naval installations in the Middle East .
(It was obviously directed at the Marines.)

To: All Commands

Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts

Ref: ComMidEast For Inst 16134//24 K

All commanders promulgate upon receipt:

The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn, on or off base, by any military, or civilian personnel, serving in the Middle East:

1. ‘Eat Pork or Die’
[Both English and Arabic versions]

2. ‘Shrine Busters’
[Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]

3. ‘Goat – it isn’t just for breakfast anymore.’
[Both English and Arabic versions]

4. ‘The road to Paradise begins with me.’
[Mostly Arabic versions, but some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs.]

5. ‘Guns don’t kill people. I kill people.’

6. ‘Pork. The other white meat.’

7. ‘Infidel’

The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of this directive.

In addition, the following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this message:

1. ‘Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range at 0800 Daily.

2. ‘Do we really need ‘smart bombs’ to drop on these dumb bastards?’

All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon receipt.

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This from Tommy Joseph

Kip,

Years ago I decided that since I’m never going to be a winner it might be easier to be a loser. Not just any loser, but a champion loser – the greatest loser of all time. I felt it might be less competitive on the losing end.

I was stuck in the middle. I had spent some time trying to go up the ladder. It wore me out. But going down was not so easy either. But I kept plugging away.

Eventually I worked my way more than halfway down. Finally I was on the bottom rungs, the losing end. I was on my way to the top of the bottom. I was getting good at going down. But near the bottom things bogged down. I found myself trapped in a pack of determined losers. I had put myself in a worse place. High or low, it didn’t matter, I was always stuck in the middle.

My dreams of being the world’s number one loser were dashed. I decided not to chase either winning or losing. Too much work. Nor would I settle for being in the middle of the ladder with people clawing from below and kicking from above.

I decided to get off the ladder completely. It was not easy. It was a scary jump. But I did it. I picked myself up on the ground floor and walked away for good.

Tommy Joseph

Decent People

10/09/2014 — Leave a comment

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This morning, I had the great pleasure to appear on The Sandy Kastel & Friends Show on KLVA 1230 AM radio, in Las Vegas. (9:AM, Monday through Friday)

As you may know, I generally keep the “Carping Lamp” lit and it was indeed lit when I called into the show.

Well, it wasn’t more than a few moments into the interview when I found myself totally disarmed and chatting with two of the sweetest people that I have had the pleasure of meeting.

We were talking about cooking, kitchens, Sicilian and Italian food, Grandmothers and family. I felt like a big dog lying on my back, paws apart, being scratched on the tummy with loving hands. Sandy ( a Miss Nevada and Singer ) was welcoming and unafraid. Michael ( A Master Chef and Drummer ) fascinated me with cooking tips and hints AND they both allowed me to join in the fun, at will.

The time flew by and then Sandy Kastel thanked me for being on her show and our visit was, sadly, over. I glanced at my ( Custom Made ) Rolex and to my amazement, I had been on the air forty-five minutes. I guess the old saying is true. ‘Insert Old saying here.”

So, if you are looking for some fun, listen in to this show and I guarantee that you will get some or I will send you your money back, no questions asked. ( BTW The Show is Free ) But if it were not, it would be worth it.

Thank you Tom Mazzetta for making this happen!

While I’m at it here’s a “Shout Out” to Allen Nechy, my bookie.

Let it ride

Kip Addotta

imagesWhen I was in and on the market to entertain the ladies, I had a fool proof method that never failed!

I would choose one from the herd that appealed to me and I would walk over to her. Once in front of her, I would give her a moment to size me up. Then, I would begin!

“Miss, please stop thinking about my Genitals! I can feel it and it makes me uncomfortable! First, let me assure you that I have large balls, the size of ‘Brown Chicken Eggs’ My Cock is small and only Eight Inches, when erect! I don’t like to go anywhere and I don’t want to do anything! All I want to do is sit in front of the TV and eat meatloaf!

Without exception, every one of these women said the same thing! “You’re the first honest man I have ever met! Let’s get out of here!

I have used this technique several hundred times and it has never failed!

I am Kip Addotta