Jungle Fever Diaries



The evening sounds of the jungle echo through the valley, and into the encampment and tents under which a meal has been prepared by Chef Girard of the famed Corndogue Bleu School of Culinary Arts. The menu consists of wine or cold, frosty beer; followed by a course of local escargot gathered at dawn as the snails made their way across the dew-moistened sawgrass. Each one weighs no less than nine ounces, and all are prepared in a rhino butter and locally-grown garlic sauce. The main course, in keeping with Mr. Addotta’s animal activism, consists of a no-slaughter meat dish using non-critical animal limbs.

Addotta is joined at the table by his very good friend Greg Carpenter, a preeminent plantographer, who has already discovered 14 never-before-seen roots, and several small bugs he found in his socks. He christens them Smegma Beetles. Addotta regales him, recounting the story of a Siamese woman who was capable of bending over backwards and licking her own Achille’s tendons. Mr. Carpenter chokes with laughter after taking a drag from his Meerschaum pipe filled with the exotic plants he discovered earlier this very day.

Mr. Addotta assures him, “It’s true, it really happened. I was in Bangkok, doing a press tour for my latest book, ‘Stuck On You, The Life and Times of Jack and Rudy’ about the Siamese twins, Jack and Rudy, who were born face-to-face and joined at the shoulders and hips.  It’s the story of their life-long quest to answer the question, ‘Who Farted?'”  (It was Rudy.)

Mr. Addotta chuckles to himself as he puffs on a cigar rolled on the sweaty, inner thighs of a Nicaraguan harlot, “Mmmm, smooth.”

A Namibian spider monkey scurries out of the darkness and into the firelight, where he (assuming it’s a he, it happened so fast) gathers table scraps and darts back into the thick foliage. As he does, he gives the two gentlemen the finger. They laugh in glee, “Jolly good show, right-toe! You are standing on my right toe!”

“Enough of this balderdash. Hand me down my trusty elephant gun, Thromble (Mr. Addotta’s Head Guide, who, even in a dense jungle seems to be able to find head at will).” The weapon was presented to Mr. Addotta by Pascha Hassen-Ben Working and his Queen-in-exile, Shirley, for meritorious misconduct in the face of disgruntled bartenders.

Addotta aims the firearm into the darkness, and with a resounding, “boom” sends a round toward the insolent spider monkey who had just given them the finger. “Take that, you lop-eared Newt!”

After some brandy, a smoke, and a few good stories, Mr. Addotta and Mr. Carpenter retire, and are each presented with a watch.

5 responses to Jungle Fever Diaries

  1. Burl Barer 05/29/2013 at 08:10

    What did they watch after they retired? Sorry, I loved it!

  2. Larry Scarano 05/29/2013 at 18:28

    You never disappoint, Kip
    This rap is as outside as Brando’s in Apocalypse Now.

  3. Now that’s story! I want one of those cigars. Very fun read Kip.

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