The Golden Rule

08/06/2013 — Leave a comment

Submitted by TJ:

I am destroying the law as we know it.  It will be rebuilt with me as chief architect.  All new laws must go through me.  They will be intelligent laws based on personal experiences from my own life, not a bunch of crap from a book.  I’m talking about the Golden Rule here.

Here’s an example.  A regular is in a bar having a beer.  A stranger walks in, sits near the regular and orders a beer.  He takes a big swig and lights a cigaret with a match, blows it out and tosses it to the rug.

“Did you see that?”, says the waitress to the regular, “that guy just threw his match on the rug.”

“Yeah, I saw it”, the regular says, “but I’m going to let it slide because I myself have littered many times.”

A short time later the stranger orders another drink, takes a swig and yanks a large booger from his nose and uses his finger to glue it to the bottom of the counter.

“Oh my God, did you see that?”, says the bar maid.  “He just stuck his snot under the counter.”

“Yeah, I saw it, but I’m going to let it slide because I myself have done the same thing.”

The stranger orders another beer.  He takes a swig and belches, then cuts a really loud fart.

“Holy crap”, says the bar maid, “did you hear that?  I can’t believe he did that.”

“Yeah, I heard it”, says the regular, “but I’m going to let it slide because I myself have done the same thing many times.”

“But he didn’t say he was sorry”, says the bar maid.

“Well now, that’s different”, says the regular, slowly rising from his seat.  “That right there is something I have never done and never would do under any circumstance.  Fart out loud and not say you’re sorry?  That should be against the law.”

Now the regular is hovering over the seated stranger, bending low, his lips to the stranger’s ear.  “Did you hear what I just said?  What you did just now is illegal.”

Then he yanks the stranger out of his seat, slapping him back and forth across the face while backing him out the door where he delivers one final kick to the stranger’s rear end, launching him face down into the street before attaching a large cardboard sign to his back that says, “I AM GUILTY OF BREAKING THE LAW.”

A large crowd has gathered, applauding and cheering as the regular strolls back into the bar and yells, “Free drinks for everyone”, as the happy followers gathers round, patting him on the back and making him feel so happy and content with his place in life that tiny farts of happiness begin to softly seep from his ass – civilized farts, polite and courteous, quiet and legal.  Then he raises his glass and yells, “A toast for my friends, a toast for us all”, as everyone raises their glasses. “Here’s to the law!”, he yells as everyone applauds and cheers with great gusto.  Legal gusto.

– By TJ

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