Recently some expert on human anatomy said that a man’s Penis is three times longer than his thumb. I’ve spent the last three weeks obsessed with my thumb. I’ve gotten to the point where I walk around with my hands (Or, at least, my thumbs) in my pockets. Then, I found myself studying other mens’s thumbs and have come to the point where I think that they should all keep their hands (or, at least, their God Damn thumbs) in their pockets. Who do these Jerks think they are, anyway. Walking around with their thumbs in plain sight. There ought to be a law.
There is a common belief that black men have longer thumbs than white men. But, is this true? Here is your answer. After much, in depth, secretive study I have this to report. Some black men have longer thumbs than the average white man, however, some white men have longer thumbs than the average black man. Then i went around asking every woman, that I met, (excluding my girlfriend) if black men have longer thumbs than white men. I get the stitches out next Thursday!
However, when I asked black women if black men had longer thumbs than white men they didn’t know having never been with a black man. Thankfully, one black woman did pull me aside and admit that she had been with a black man and that he had the smallest thumb she had ever come across. (No pun intended.) Hmm. This question has become more elusive than I had bargained for.
After much thought and soul searching, I went to the curator of the LA Museum of Natural History and spoke the Thumb Expert In Residence, Todd Swisher. Mr. Swisher was hesitant, at first. Then he pulled me aside and said, “This is a matter of extreme secrecy, but between you and I, I will say that it’s a toss up! Some black men have long thumbs and some white men have long thumbs. It all depends on what’s in your jeans.”
I thanked him and began to leave and when I had gotten several yards away, he remarked, “Nice thumbs!”